Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Today, I think of you but you don’t know, I think of you all the time. Even when I am not with you, I long for the days when you used to take me shopping, hang out with your friends, buy groceries, just simple things. You were so proud to bring me around. I cherished those memories you made for me. I wish we could go back…but we cannot rewind those times. We cannot hang onto the good times without hanging onto the bad ones.

We used to be together every weekend, comfortable with the silence, but now, we sit beside each other like strangers. You don’t seem to want my forgiveness, but rather, you hope I’ll just forget. Is this what you wanted, mom? For us to become acquaintances who no longer mean it when they say “Let’s get together for lunch or dinner?” Is this relationship with me the one you dreamed of having?

I love you mom, but I wish I didn’t have to wonder if you love me. I don’t think any daughter should have to wonder that. I seek answers you hold but will never give me. That’s fine, I’ll figure out a way to go on without knowing. I’ll carry this extra weight in my heart for you and keep your love untainted.

I know you have dreams for me and you’re waiting for me to fulfill them. I’m sorry mom, but I don’t think my life will ever comply with your idea of happiness. I have my own dreams to accomplish, regardless of how long it will take. Our emotional distance is a constant reminder that I have failed your expectations but I guess we’re even since you have failed mine.

I still wish nothing but the best for your life, with or without me to be your cheerleader. My soul will always have a piece missing with your name on it but hopefully, I can carry the pain with my head held high. I hope you will get everything you would want in life even though sometimes, life disrespects your timeline and makes you wait. Please remember our past with fondness and keep it safe. Maybe one day, when we’ve both forgotten this dark episode in our lives, we can reopen our hearts and arms and tell each other how sorry we are that we wrote this chapter.

Your daughter,

Ava xoxo

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