Archive for October, 2011

Breathe

I love PMSTA. I really do. The show has been going great and I am honored to be working with each & every one of them. We just got past the 1st weekend and have already done 5 shows. I can’t believe it! Usually, the 1st weekend only has 3 shows. I guess we’re just that much more ambitious. I’m getting some good feedback about my monologue, “Strength.” I ended up having to do the mom voiceover when initially, it was supposed to be a recording from my friend’s mother. Each time I do it, I have to find the prebeat and revisit those dark days. It’s hard because I find myself remembering all the emotions I went through. I had to stop watching the comedic monologue that precedes Strength in order to get my prebeat, which sucks because I really like watching that monologue.

My brothers were able to make it to the show on Sunday. Unfortunately, I found out on Saturday that the actress who normally performs Strength was unable to perform it on Sunday, the only day that my brothers were able to go. So, on a whim, I made the difficult decision to do a stage reading of Strength. I hadn’t revisited my monologue since I gave it to the director so I decided to just read it raw, without any prebeat, preparation, or anything. Just me & a mic. I had my friend record it so that I could preserve it. I’ll probably post it after the show is done.

The reading went well, I think. I was barely able to see through my tears. I squished all 5 pages into 2 and it was difficult to see the small font I had used. I didn’t tell my brother that I had written about the incident but he told me it was well written. I don’t think I really truly felt like it was until my friends Judith & Christina told me that some people stood up after my monologue. I rushed offstage right after because I just couldn’t bare to sit there any longer. I ran into the green room and cried. I just need to re-release all the dormant emotions I had sealed away in a box, tucked inside my heart, never to be opened again. That Sunday, I opened it and the memories of it all came rushing back. I became numb & lifeless, tears just streaming endlessly down my face. I tilted my head back & just wanted to die until I felt two arms wrap around me. It was my friend, Tonilyn. She said that she was proud of me for my courage and that I did good. I grabbed hold of her and she let me cry into her soul. At that moment, I realized it was what I needed; it was something I hadn’t done to heal. I never let anyone comfort me about it. I always cried alone, in my room, listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” and wondering if my mother was ok. Then another friend, Andrea, came in and told me I did really well and hugged me too. I really appreciated this gesture and it helped me tremendously.

The human hug is so insignificant and yet so powerful. Toni let me do the “ugly cry” into her. I think I did it for just a minute or two but it felt like an hour. Thank God for my friends. If not for them, I would be in a very different place, mentally, physically & emotionally. Now that I have finally found a voice & a place to tell my story, I can truly begin the healing process that I stopped so abruptly due to circumstances beyond my control. I feel so blessed to have these healing souls surrounding me, bathing me in their love, nurturing me with their laughter, and soothing me with their touch. I am finally able to breathe.

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PMSTA Presents…

Rehearsals & moving have been kicking my ass. Trying to pack, move stuff, unpack, make props & rehearsing has been my week lately. I haven’t even been able to really write at all, nor eat for that matter. As the show is coming up this week, it is really starting to sink in. I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure lately to improve on my craft but all the pressure is affecting my performance. I’m starting to get panic attacks when I’ve never really had any before. I really don’t like being the center of attention. Just writing this out and thinking about it is giving me a heart palpitations.

The best part of this project is the people I’m working with. We started back in 2007 and I’m honored to be with them again. PMSTA has been a great group of folks to work with. When I’m having a bad day at work, it’s their energy that feeds me to return to a more balanced demeanor and I’m ok again. I wonder if this type of development occurs in other theater groups. I’m sure it does, it has to. How can you work with so many people for so long and not develop a sense of kinship with them?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this post. I should be working on my character development. Well, by now, I should already have it down. I do have it, but outside issues are affecting my deep within and it shows onstage. I need to buckle up and get focused!! FOCUS!! FUCK!! You don’t know how many times I have released a random scream. It feels good. I just need to focus focus focus.

At this point, my issues are minimal. I’ve lost my moustache about 4 – 6 times, I am spending my breaks getting props & stuff, I’m trying too hard to establish my blocking, and deep down, I know I got this & I’m nervous for nothing. “Relax, relate, release” as Whitley Gilbert would say. :0)

It’s showtime.

Death of A Player presented by PMSTA.