Christmas is coming up. I barely got through Thanksgiving in one piece. Holidays are hard for me. For a whole two months out of the year, I’m grinding my teeth, counting the days and trying my best to stay low key until it’s over. I haven’t been the same ever since my dad left. And ever since the incident, the relationship between me and my mom never fully recovered. I wander around as a broken person trying to mend itself. While the wound has closed, the scars are still there. Call me emo but is it so wrong to allow the pain to linger and leave marks wherever you go? One of my BFFs said that I have to stop hanging onto the past and thinking of what used to be. She said that I have to let it go and start thinking of new ways to celebrate instead of looking for the old ways that I used to celebrate. I know she’s right, but I sure wish she wasn’t.
I used to get gifts for everyone. I would spend about $2000 every Christmas. And that’s a lot for a high school teenager in 1995. I didn’t even have a job yet. I had so much fun giving presents to people and I didn’t care if they got me anything. I just enjoyed shopping for people because I was happy to make others happy. How do I get back that feeling? How do I retrieve that joy I felt of sharing my happiness? How do I reignite the joy I had in believing I was in a perfect loving family and wanting to share that love? It’s incredible how much can change in 14 years.
Today, I don’t do presents anymore. I just give myself presents and I find immense joy in that. However, they’re not necessarily purchases all the time but more like experiences. For example, this year, I took the opportunity presented to me and went to meet my ultimate favorite guy of all time, Will Friedle. I took a fakecation just to meet him. And as a bonus, someone named “last_beautiful_girl” on IG sent me this awesome video yesterday that captured just a little bit, but the best bit, of my meet & greet with Will (00:07 – 00:20). I wonder what he was thinking at 00:09. He had this weird, possibly disgusted(?) look on his face. Did I smell? Oh well. Thank you for sharing it with me, Last_beautiful_girl! Merry Christmas to all and have yourself a merry little christmas too, Ava…
“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Laura Weinbach of Foxtails Brigade