Archive for Sticky Situation

Detox Day 6

I knew it was going to happen eventually. I knew I couldn’t maintain a losing streak forever. Gained back 1.6 lbs from my food yesterday. I’m a little disappointed but instead of letting it ruin my day, I’m going to use it to my advantage and make it my motivation for day 7 to lose twice as much as I did so that I lose what I gained and then some. Normally, I would allow it to get the best of me and cause me to return to a day of normal meal consumption but not this time. I’m too pumped to succeed.

I’m not making excuses but I have to break down my day so that I can see where I might have made my mistake. The plan was to go location scouting in the area to find a place where we can film an exterior shot so I knew I was going to be in a car all day & we would probably have to stop at restaurants to eat. I had to have lunch at a filipino restaurant which was nearly impossible to maintain my detox on. I tried to follow the same guideline I used when I went to have thai food. All I ate was grilled chicken (thigh meat) and eggplant. Both of which was pretty fattening because well, thigh meat is DELICIOUS so it must be fattening and eggplant is a sponge disguised as a vegetable so I pretty much just ate pieces of oil.

For dinner, we ended up at a Japanese restaurant. I asked if they had brown rice and sadly, they did not. So I had to settle for no rice at all. I ended up ordering tamago sashimi, which I never even knew existed, and saba sashimi. Basically, I had raw fish & eggs. I couldn’t handle the fish. My mind kept wandering to an image of me grabbing a live fish out of fresh waters and sinking my teeth into it. The smell of it alone made me cringe as I have never taken a liking to fish much. The only ones I’ll eat faw are salmon & tuna, which also happen to be the only two I cannot have on the detox. To be honest, I couldn’t really have the eggs neither due to the sugar content but I decided it was ok.

A-HA! That must be where I made the mistake as well. A combination of fatty chicken, oil sponges & sugar-laden eggs caused me to gained back 1.6 lbs. While I wish I hadn’t eaten it, there’s no use in crying over spilled milk. I’ll just have to move forward and be very careful from now now. Although, it does worry me about what will happen once I am off of the detox. What will happen to my body? Will I just continue gaining weight without mercy? Am I going to have to eat baby carrots & hummus for lunch forever? How will I ever adopt this diet as a lifestyle change? And now, all I can think of is my hula hoop. Exercise, betch! I didn’t do any exercise yesterday!! Another mistake found. Okay, correct it today!

Breakfast
Gluten-free whole grain toast (Udi’s)
Almond butter (Trader Joe’s)
Hard-boiled eggs
Green Tea (Yamamotoyama & Kirkland)

Lunch
Grilled Chicken (Tribu Grill)
Eggplant (Tribu Grill)

Snack
Banana
Rice Chips (Lundberg)

Dinner
Tamago Sashimi (Balboa Teriyaki)
Green tea (Balboa Teriyaki)

Weight lost as of 4/2/12: 4.2 lbs.

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Fighting Back

*As I type this, the words in my head are in a British accent as I watched Angus, Thongs & Perfect Snogging last night. I guess it stuck just a little.

My aunt called me last night and invited me to dinner. I was excited to be able to have a nice meal with some family. It’s a bit of of a return to normalcy as some might say. I haven’t had that since Chinese New Year where my favorite cousin came into town to have lunch with all of us. It was quite an awkward experience considering I wasn’t speaking to my mum nor my grandmum.

We decided to go to ABC Cafe out in San Mateo. I ordered Curry Beef Brisket Chow Fun, something I had never heard of. I just love trying new foods. It was allright, but it wasn’t something I would try again, that’s for sure. Didn’t impress me much really. I would much have preferred a simple ham & egg sandwich over this dish actually.

Anyway, as we waited for our food, my aunt ambushed me. It felt like a trap! She wanted me to get together with my brothers and have a bit of an intervention with my mum over the shower incident. She said that her business partner and her are in an unhealthy relationship where he is constantly abusing my mother both emotionally & verbally. He tells everyone that he is the one earning the money when it’s my mum’s money that he is using; her social security, mind you. And when he runs out of cash, he yells at her for spending all of his money when he doesn’t have any in the first place! He’s basically treating her like an ATM! I can’t stand to hear news like this. As angry as I am with her, it doesn’t supercede the love I still have for her. She’s my mother, and I have to be there to help her even if she did choose that wretched, conniving sorry excuse for a man over me.

I want her leave him. I’ve always wanted her to leave his arse. He doesn’t deserve to have someone like my mother in his life. Unfortunately, my mother is such a weak soul. I am much stronger than she’ll ever be. I think the only way to get through to her is to empower her. My aunt thinks the only way to get through to her is to gang up on her and force her to leave him. What kind of strategy is that? This isn’t a sport, my dear auntie. This is real life. I just think we have to approach things a bit more delicately, a bit more tactful.

Just talking about it last night made my blood boil. All these violent thoughts roamed my mind and I wanted to commit a heinous crime against him, not that I really will. I’m angry but I’m not insane. I just don’t like anyone taking advantage of my family like that and I certainly won’t be allowing it to continue any longer. Something has to be done and it begins with me.

By the way, I had asked my aunt about the eviction and her reply was that I needn’t worry about it because that’s just procedure, and that my uncle is taking care of it…I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Brink of Collapse

When my world is collapsing, I turn to Will for laughing. He makes me happiest.

Just found out I’m probably going to be evicted after all. My aunt had told me 2 months ago that we didn’t have to move anymore, that we could stay because my uncle took care of everything when he returned from Hong Kong. When I came home today, a Notice of Trustee’s Sale was taped to the front door with my mother’s name on it saying that our place will be auctioned off on the 28th.

I’m not a stranger to eviction, not at all. But I really liked living here. Now I have to find another place to live and figure out how I’m going to pay my bills. I hate to say it but I wish I never spent so much money on NKOTB travel. That money could have saved me. I wouldn’t be stressing if I didn’t go to all those shows a couple of years ago. I’m not saying that I regret the experiences but I definitely regret not paying off the bills right away like I intended. I feel like I fucked myself over. Now I’m stuck. Luckily, I made a little bit of money on some stocks I had sitting in Vertex. Not much but it should suffice in case I need it. I sold it anyway so now, the money is just sitting there, waiting for me to need it desperately.

I guess we’ll see what happens to me in the next few weeks. A wedding to attend in a few days & nothing to wear; the eviction in less than 2 weeks & nowhere to move to; the cruise in 3 weeks & can’t buy new clothes; and a bachelorette trip in 6 weeks & I might not even have a home to return to. I’m going to have to get creative in making some money or cutting corners.

Comic-cockeyed

I never blog on the weekends but today, I just felt the need to share my thought for 5 minutes. This morning, I spent the greater part of my breakfast pressing refresh, resend, refresh, resend, refresh, resend and staring at my computer at this all morning.

I was trying to get Comic-con tickets for my BFF’s birthday present because that’s where she wanted to go. From 9 AM to noon, I went through excitement, sadness, frustration, anger, hopelessness, revitalization, insanity, jubilance and relief all in a span of 3 hours. I wanted to give up but since it was for my BFF, I couldn’t.

I thought buying New Kids on the Block cabins circa 2010 were bad but this was similar to that experience tenfold. In the midst of trying to buy tickets, I found out that Twilight folks might be there so it’s no wonder it was such a hot mess on the server this morning. When I was trying to buy cruise cabins, I was competing with probably about 50,000 Blockheads for 2,000 spots on the boat. However, I underestimated Comic-con ticket buyers because apparently, I’m competing with comic book enthusiasts, Twi-hards, cartoon lovers, convention freaks, and only god knows who else could be trying so hard to get into this building. I might as well have been competing with the world. I’m surprised the lettering hasn’t come off from my F5 button yet.

In the end, I ended up with a ticket to Thur, Fri AND Sat but I’m trying to get a refund for Thur because my BFF does not want to go on Thur. What’s in it for me? Well, I’m hoping Will Friedle falls into the category of Comic Book Enthusiast or maybe even Special Guest or Exhibitor and I can go and propose to him. It’s a slim chance but he’s well worth the risk. If not, hopefully I’ll get a glimpse of Jason Marsden if he goes, or even Jackson Rathbone if they really do come to Comic-con. He’s a nice substitute but he can’t replace my Will.

*UPDATE* In the middle of writing this blog, I just heard that Summit is planning on releasing a clip from Breaking Dawn Part 1 AND the cast of Breaking Dawn will be there too. Don’t know how true that is but either way, I’m still going to be running around look for Will Friedle. Sorry, it’s just not that big of a deal to me. Love ya, Jackson! :0P

Numb

Haven’t been home for over a week now, just floating around to different homes of friends. My brother is acting as a liaison between my mother and I. How did our relationship get reduced to this? Now all of a sudden, he said she told him she has cancer. The sad part is that I don’t believe her. I know how my mother operates and when she wants her way, she uses sympathy. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m a skeptic. Or maybe I’m just a cold-hearted daughter. Whatever I am, I know I’m right in reporting it to the police. Are there other points of views I’m not seeing? Should I just let this go & get on with my life? They never even served the restraining order because they couldn’t get into the building. Great.

Perhaps today I will give my mother a call. She left me a message & apologized…but for what? For choosing him over me? For letting him get away with something like this? For not acting like a mother who will protect her children at all costs? I never asked her to choose, I just asked her to help me get justice. Apparently, that’s too much to ask for.

Support

Finally told my mother, my aunt & my grandmother about the incident. Turns out, my mother was informed about it on Wednesday, but she never called me to talk to me about it. She did not do anything to help me, as if it never happened as long as she never spoke to me. Before I went to talk to her, I talked to the police officer & he asked me what did I think my mom would say. I said that I didn’t think she would support me & would just ask me to let it go.

I was right.

He told her that he was just testing out the camera because someone had told him it works in humid conditions. He told her he forgot to remove it from the bathroom. I can’t believe my mother bought that story. Or rather, I can’t believe she chose to believe him over me. She seems to think it was no big deal, no harm done, nothing to get upset over because he already apologized in a text message.

I’ve never yelled at my mother before. I’ve never had a reason to. My grandmother & my mother both begged & pleaded with me to let it go because he had helped out family in the past–but I don’t live in the past, I live in the present. It’s cliche but like they say, trust takes years to build and seconds to shatter. I wanted to trust that my mother would stand behind me and make sure I get the justice I deserved. I wanted to trust that things were going to be ok. I wanted to know that I can always count on her for anything. I see now that I cannot look up to her for strength. I cannot turn to her for help. I cannot rely on her to choose me over a stranger.

So while he is sleeping soundly in his own bed, I am forced to float around on the generosity of others. As grateful as I am that my circle of support is vast & unchallenged, I would still like to go home and sleep on my own pillow, watch my own television, type on my own computer. They continually ask me to forgive him. Maybe someday, I will be able to forgive him, but it seems the lines between forgiveness & consequences are blurred for my mother & my grandmother. Just because I forgive him won’t mean that I don’t expect him to pay for his actions.

I’ve never done so much emotional eating as I have the past 5 days. All that seems to feed my soul is food & Will Friedle videos. Got my Boy Meets World DVDs today and it’s the only thing putting a smile on my face. Sigh…

I’ve never fully realized how weak my mother’s soul is. I shall pray for her and hope that one day, she will forgive me for being stronger than her.

Restraint

I decided to go to the police that night. Got the incident documented & the police took the camera. The policeman called me a “victim of crime.” I’ve been called many things but never a victim. It hit home. I am feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Could not concentrate at work yesterday. Finally, I decided to file a restraining order & I went to do just that today. I took half the day off work just to do this. Now who’s going to pay me for my work loss?

I haven’t even been home since the incident. I am afraid he will be there. Who knows where else there is a camera streaming? Who knows how long this has been going on? Does he think texting me a lame apology is going to right his wrongs? I am emotionally distressed. Every time I see a blue minivan, I freak out that it might be him. 

The restraining order does not say he has to stay so-and-so yards away from me, just that he cannot hit me, follow me, block me, contact me, try to find out my addresses, numbers, etc. How awkward is this, he can live with me but I have a restraining order against him? 

Anyway, my hearing is in 3 weeks. Right now, I have the daunting task of telling my mother. She’s going to be so sad.

Violated

I shower every morning before I go to work. Today, I noticed a bulk toothpaste box in the shower with a lttle hole cut out of it. On top of the box was a washcloth. Don’t know how long it has been there. I was curious so I picked it up to look at the hole. Lo and behold, I saw that it was a camera. Now, I’ve watched enough Law & Order: SVU to know that this is illegal. I put the box to the side, facing the wall, and finished my showering. When I was done, I was going to leave but I decided to take the camera with me. I opened the box. There were 2 toothpastes tubes still inside, a divider, the camera, and a pair of black Giordano men’s underwear stuffed behind the camera. I removed the underwear, grabbed the camera and saw that it was on. I pressed the red button but I don’t know if it was recording in the first place. I wasn’t able to play it back.

I’ve never experienced anything like this and frankly, I’m a bit distraught. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to call the police. I think I know who the camera belongs to. Don’t think I was the target for the camera but still, it’s a violation of privacy. Now I just need to figure what next steps to take. My life will certainly never be the same.

Designing My Life

Okay, truthfully, I had no idea how much work it is to design a website!! I’m only in the very beginning stages of what I want to design but I don’t even know where to start!! Just putting ideas from pen to paper right now and it’s all very exciting for me. I think I’ll sign up for a class or something so that I can have some idea of where to begin. I don’t want to waste any time doing something I don’t need to be doing or going in the wrong direction. There are so many websites out there and I tried and tried and tried to look for one similar to what I had in mind but it does not exist. That’s yay!! Hopefully, it is not already in the works by someone else.

Subject change:

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. My best memory of Christmas as a child is the lighting of the tree in the corner of our living room when I was a kid. It stayed lit throughout the night and whenever I needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, somehow, the lights gave me comfort. Who likes to walk around in the dark? Not me. I was never really big on asking for presents but whenever I did receive one, I always treated it with value & care because it made me feel like someone loved me enough to think of me. As I got older, I began giving gifts for Christmas to all my friends & family. Unfortunately, as time passed, bills grew & grew and my Christmas fund, along with my Christmas spirit, diminished & disappeared.

I think the exact moment I lost my Christmas spirit was 1999. I found out my parents were separated and my boyfriend & I broke up at the same time. What a horrible Christmas that year turned out to be. It took me 1 year to get over my boyfriend but 10 years to get over my parents. I can now finally look at my dad without feeling pain or anger. While the love for my dad returned, my Xmas spirit never did. So I always felt guilty whenever people gave me gifts or cards, but I didn’t want to pretend neither. I no longer celebrate Xmas because I don’t know how to rejuvenate those feelings I used to have as a kid and I’m not sure I want to. Wow, I’m a total scrooge! Or maybe this wound takes more than 10 years to heal, you never know what might happen. Maybe if I had more money, then I could actually enjoy giving gifts & sending cards to people. But instead, I’m struggling in the red & anxiously waiting for Xmas to pass already. Maybe if I can get this website up and running, it might help me to generate some money someday and I can finally quit my job and redesign how I want to live my life.

My BFF’s favorite holiday is Xmas. What’s MY favorite holiday?
Friday. Payday. Go figure.

NYE

I want to go to New York for New Year’s Eve but flights are INSANE!!! This would have been the PERFECT excuse! Of course, my BFF would have killed me if I wasn’t with her on her birthday. Ok, plan is dead. No NYC on BFF’s BDAY. She wants to go to Comi-Con. Ok well, uhhh…don’t get mad if I go chasing after Jackson Rathbone. :0)

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