Posts Tagged ‘bindlestiff’

Breathe

I love PMSTA. I really do. The show has been going great and I am honored to be working with each & every one of them. We just got past the 1st weekend and have already done 5 shows. I can’t believe it! Usually, the 1st weekend only has 3 shows. I guess we’re just that much more ambitious. I’m getting some good feedback about my monologue, “Strength.” I ended up having to do the mom voiceover when initially, it was supposed to be a recording from my friend’s mother. Each time I do it, I have to find the prebeat and revisit those dark days. It’s hard because I find myself remembering all the emotions I went through. I had to stop watching the comedic monologue that precedes Strength in order to get my prebeat, which sucks because I really like watching that monologue.

My brothers were able to make it to the show on Sunday. Unfortunately, I found out on Saturday that the actress who normally performs Strength was unable to perform it on Sunday, the only day that my brothers were able to go. So, on a whim, I made the difficult decision to do a stage reading of Strength. I hadn’t revisited my monologue since I gave it to the director so I decided to just read it raw, without any prebeat, preparation, or anything. Just me & a mic. I had my friend record it so that I could preserve it. I’ll probably post it after the show is done.

The reading went well, I think. I was barely able to see through my tears. I squished all 5 pages into 2 and it was difficult to see the small font I had used. I didn’t tell my brother that I had written about the incident but he told me it was well written. I don’t think I really truly felt like it was until my friends Judith & Christina told me that some people stood up after my monologue. I rushed offstage right after because I just couldn’t bare to sit there any longer. I ran into the green room and cried. I just need to re-release all the dormant emotions I had sealed away in a box, tucked inside my heart, never to be opened again. That Sunday, I opened it and the memories of it all came rushing back. I became numb & lifeless, tears just streaming endlessly down my face. I tilted my head back & just wanted to die until I felt two arms wrap around me. It was my friend, Tonilyn. She said that she was proud of me for my courage and that I did good. I grabbed hold of her and she let me cry into her soul. At that moment, I realized it was what I needed; it was something I hadn’t done to heal. I never let anyone comfort me about it. I always cried alone, in my room, listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” and wondering if my mother was ok. Then another friend, Andrea, came in and told me I did really well and hugged me too. I really appreciated this gesture and it helped me tremendously.

The human hug is so insignificant and yet so powerful. Toni let me do the “ugly cry” into her. I think I did it for just a minute or two but it felt like an hour. Thank God for my friends. If not for them, I would be in a very different place, mentally, physically & emotionally. Now that I have finally found a voice & a place to tell my story, I can truly begin the healing process that I stopped so abruptly due to circumstances beyond my control. I feel so blessed to have these healing souls surrounding me, bathing me in their love, nurturing me with their laughter, and soothing me with their touch. I am finally able to breathe.

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Productive Weekend

The Stories High Reading was a success! I did my best and hopefully, I satisfied the writer with my performance. Although, I did create a pause at one point because I got lost in the long narrative but hopefully, it wasn’t so long of a pause that I killed it. It was held at Passion Cafe. I like that place, they have cool antiques as their decor and the food was delicious. They made a $3 Bindlestiff sangria especially for us and it was sooooo gooood!! That was classy of them.

Looking back on it, my weekend was very productive. Finally had my meeting with my website designer friend and he basically guided me towards the right direction in terms of what I need to do for my website. I am so lucky to know the people I know who can give me the resources I need to complete this project. At the same time, the roadblocks I hit have become challenges that I need to work on getting through and they are slowly defining a side of me I never knew I had. It’s going to be a lot of hard work but I’m prepared to do this. One thing that struck a chord in me was when he said, “Ava, you’re starting an e-business here.” I never really quite thought of it that way. I’m hardly a business woman so I hope I don’t run myself into the ground here. Out of all the projects I’ve ever taken on, this one is the biggest; this one is personal. Hopefully, my vision is clear enough and there are enough people out there who will love my idea as much as I do. The important thing here is that I don’t want to create it so that people will use it. I want to create it so that I can use it.

I also was able to meet up with some beautiful women to work on our PMSTA show. We laughed, we cried, we shared, we reminisced, and most importantly, we love. It’s going to be a great show.

PMSTA

Reading, Breathing, Being

I spent the greater part of my evening last night practicing a Pilipino accent. It was in preparation for the Stories High Stage Reading I have to do tonight. It’s just a few lines but the lines I do have, they make me feel awkward. I know as an actress, you have to be professional about everything but I can’t help but feel almost as if I’m making fun of Filipinos. If I were Filipino, I might feel more comfortable but since I’m not, it just makes me feel like I’m derogatorizing the entire people. I know that’s not a word but it makes sense to me right now so I have to use it.

Why is it that I can’t get over this feeling? I mean, isn’t that what actors do? They pretend to be someone they’re not? That’s all I’m doing here, right? Unfortunately, my mind begins to think too deeply about how 95% of the audience will be Filipino and my job is to convince them into thinking I am Filipino. Hmm, I don’t know if I can do that without making it seem like I’m a poser. And even if they don’t think it, I still feel it. In order to pull this off, my rehearsing involves channeling all the mothers of my BFFs and become them, just for a few minutes. I’m not a gossip girl but I have to be a tsismosa for this part, which is so not me. A tsismosa is a Filipino word for someone who loves gossip. On top of that, the director wants me to be “OA.” OverActed. Oh gawd, my area of weakness & yet, my favorite form of comedy. I’ll be channeling Will Friedle for inspiration on that part. He’s always OA.  

There’s a saying that goes, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” – Charles Caleb Colton. I plan on blowing the audience right out of the water. My character’s name is Verita, which means “truth.” Like George Burns once said, “Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” I just need to get up there, commit to my truth and just breathe. Perhaps this will be the beginning of my return to the stage. Wish me luck!