Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Have Myself A Merry Little Xmas

Christmas is coming up. I barely got through Thanksgiving in one piece. Holidays are hard for me. For a whole two months out of the year, I’m grinding my teeth, counting the days and trying my best to stay low key until it’s over. I haven’t been the same ever since my dad left. And ever since the incident, the relationship between me and my mom never fully recovered. I wander around as a broken person trying to mend itself. While the wound has closed, the scars are still there. Call me emo but is it so wrong to allow the pain to linger and leave marks wherever you go? One of my BFFs said that I have to stop hanging onto the past and thinking of what used to be. She said that I have to let it go and start thinking of new ways to celebrate instead of looking for the old ways that I used to celebrate. I know she’s right, but I sure wish she wasn’t.

I used to get gifts for everyone. I would spend about $2000 every Christmas. And that’s a lot for a high school teenager in 1995. I didn’t even have a job yet. I had so much fun giving presents to people and I didn’t care if they got me anything. I just enjoyed shopping for people because I was happy to make others happy. How do I get back that feeling? How do I retrieve that joy I felt of sharing my happiness? How do I reignite the joy I had in believing I was in a perfect loving family and wanting to share that love? It’s incredible how much can change in 14 years.

Today, I don’t do presents anymore. I just give myself presents and I find immense joy in that. However, they’re not necessarily purchases all the time but more like experiences. For example, this year, I took the opportunity presented to me and went to meet my ultimate favorite guy of all time, Will Friedle. I took a fakecation just to meet him. And as a bonus, someone named “last_beautiful_girl” on IG sent me this awesome video yesterday that captured just a little bit, but the best bit, of my meet & greet with Will (00:07 – 00:20). I wonder what he was thinking at 00:09. He had this weird, possibly disgusted(?) look on his face. Did I smell? Oh well. Thank you for sharing it with me, Last_beautiful_girl! Merry Christmas to all and have yourself a merry little christmas too, Ava…

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Laura Weinbach of Foxtails Brigade

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Designing My Life

Okay, truthfully, I had no idea how much work it is to design a website!! I’m only in the very beginning stages of what I want to design but I don’t even know where to start!! Just putting ideas from pen to paper right now and it’s all very exciting for me. I think I’ll sign up for a class or something so that I can have some idea of where to begin. I don’t want to waste any time doing something I don’t need to be doing or going in the wrong direction. There are so many websites out there and I tried and tried and tried to look for one similar to what I had in mind but it does not exist. That’s yay!! Hopefully, it is not already in the works by someone else.

Subject change:

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. My best memory of Christmas as a child is the lighting of the tree in the corner of our living room when I was a kid. It stayed lit throughout the night and whenever I needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, somehow, the lights gave me comfort. Who likes to walk around in the dark? Not me. I was never really big on asking for presents but whenever I did receive one, I always treated it with value & care because it made me feel like someone loved me enough to think of me. As I got older, I began giving gifts for Christmas to all my friends & family. Unfortunately, as time passed, bills grew & grew and my Christmas fund, along with my Christmas spirit, diminished & disappeared.

I think the exact moment I lost my Christmas spirit was 1999. I found out my parents were separated and my boyfriend & I broke up at the same time. What a horrible Christmas that year turned out to be. It took me 1 year to get over my boyfriend but 10 years to get over my parents. I can now finally look at my dad without feeling pain or anger. While the love for my dad returned, my Xmas spirit never did. So I always felt guilty whenever people gave me gifts or cards, but I didn’t want to pretend neither. I no longer celebrate Xmas because I don’t know how to rejuvenate those feelings I used to have as a kid and I’m not sure I want to. Wow, I’m a total scrooge! Or maybe this wound takes more than 10 years to heal, you never know what might happen. Maybe if I had more money, then I could actually enjoy giving gifts & sending cards to people. But instead, I’m struggling in the red & anxiously waiting for Xmas to pass already. Maybe if I can get this website up and running, it might help me to generate some money someday and I can finally quit my job and redesign how I want to live my life.

My BFF’s favorite holiday is Xmas. What’s MY favorite holiday?
Friday. Payday. Go figure.