Finally told my mother, my aunt & my grandmother about the incident. Turns out, my mother was informed about it on Wednesday, but she never called me to talk to me about it. She did not do anything to help me, as if it never happened as long as she never spoke to me. Before I went to talk to her, I talked to the police officer & he asked me what did I think my mom would say. I said that I didn’t think she would support me & would just ask me to let it go.
I was right.
He told her that he was just testing out the camera because someone had told him it works in humid conditions. He told her he forgot to remove it from the bathroom. I can’t believe my mother bought that story. Or rather, I can’t believe she chose to believe him over me. She seems to think it was no big deal, no harm done, nothing to get upset over because he already apologized in a text message.
I’ve never yelled at my mother before. I’ve never had a reason to. My grandmother & my mother both begged & pleaded with me to let it go because he had helped out family in the past–but I don’t live in the past, I live in the present. It’s cliche but like they say, trust takes years to build and seconds to shatter. I wanted to trust that my mother would stand behind me and make sure I get the justice I deserved. I wanted to trust that things were going to be ok. I wanted to know that I can always count on her for anything. I see now that I cannot look up to her for strength. I cannot turn to her for help. I cannot rely on her to choose me over a stranger.
So while he is sleeping soundly in his own bed, I am forced to float around on the generosity of others. As grateful as I am that my circle of support is vast & unchallenged, I would still like to go home and sleep on my own pillow, watch my own television, type on my own computer. They continually ask me to forgive him. Maybe someday, I will be able to forgive him, but it seems the lines between forgiveness & consequences are blurred for my mother & my grandmother. Just because I forgive him won’t mean that I don’t expect him to pay for his actions.
I’ve never done so much emotional eating as I have the past 5 days. All that seems to feed my soul is food & Will Friedle videos. Got my Boy Meets World DVDs today and it’s the only thing putting a smile on my face. Sigh…
I’ve never fully realized how weak my mother’s soul is. I shall pray for her and hope that one day, she will forgive me for being stronger than her.