Posts Tagged ‘life’

Happy Birthday To Me!

I’ve hit 40! Wow. I’m incredibly thankful for the loving community I am surrounded by. Was surprised with cake 4 times this past week! How awesome is that?! My family & friends are so sweet and I appreciate them so much. As I sit here today reflecting back on all the events that have occurred in my life, both good and bad, I think they have all shaped me in one way or another. I’m stronger in the sense that I’m not a pushover and I fight for what I believe in. At the same time, I’m weaker in the sense that I somehow have remained single all this time due to my mistrust in men. All experiences have influenced me.

I decided not to have any New Year’s resolutions this year and treat myself to good things any time I want to. Every since I went vegan, I’ve found lots of inspiration in other vegans on social media and have discovered a self-love that never existed before. No longer do I look in the mirror and complain about my double chin or flabby arms or love handles. No longer do I wish I were skinnier or wish I was toned or get disappointed in what I see in the mirror. The person I see in the mirror is doing her best to save the animals, to treat her body to good foods and to do her part in helping the environment. So how could I hate this person I see? How could I tell this person that she needs to lose weight or get in shape when she is already doing so much for herself, for the animals and for the planet? It’s simple. I can’t. I love what I see in the mirror now. It is an incredible feeling to love yourself. Some might call it arrogant but if a little 4-yr-old girl was confident and happy, is that arrogance? Is that being an egomaniac? I don’t think so. You know the saying. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. So here I am, loving myself and seeing that I am finally at peace and no longer fighting my negativity. And what’s great is that as soon as I started loving myself, it exuded into my community and it was glorious.

Oh yes, and as a birthday present to myself, I decided to enroll at Cornell University and obtain my Certificate in Plant-Based Nutrition! It was so weird to be back in school, even if it is online. Having to write essays and do quizzes really brought me back. I didn’t do it for any professional reason, just wanted to learn from good sources since there is so much misinformation out there. Now that I have learned about plant-based nutrition in professionals, I feel like I can apply it to my own life to get healthy and live a long & stress-free life. I would encourage anyone else to get healthy too, whatever way works for you. I think it’s time I start a new website to document this journey, yes? ;0)

Will’s Living The Dream

Thursday, Will tweeted an interview he did with Phil Morris. It’s about an hour long so if you have time, check it out. Honestly, it could be 10 hours long and I still would have listened to his sexy ass voice. Real talk.

They discussed many topics including how he got into acting, into Boy Meets World, how fate stepped in to have him play Eric Matthews, his family life, direction of today’s television, the type of actor he defines himself as, an absolutely crazy story about Jeff Sherman witnessing a woman die, his work ethics and his anxiety attacks. Plus some other topics that were all very very engaging to me.

Before I get into the part that got me all teary-eyed, the guy Will is talking about who was supposed to play Eric Matthews is Harry Barandes. They kind of look alike but Will was clearly the right choice.

There were many topics discussed in the podcast but there were some parts that really spoke to me and I wanted to talk about them here. Will told a story about his friend, BMW writer Jeff Sherman and his wife, comedian Wendy Liebman, leaving Will’s house at a later hour than they normally would, missing a freeway entrance that they normally should have taken, and getting into a lane that he just felt like getting into that night and witnessing the car that got into the lane he was just in get plowed into by a drunk driver going 90 mph. He was JUST in that lane. Just writing this gave me chills. It made me think about how God is in charge of everything. When it’s your time, it’s your time. And it just wasn’t Jeff and Wendy’s time. I know it’s just a fictitious movie but it reminds me of the collision scene in “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.”

Honestly, I believe we’re just here on this planet to experience existentialism in human form, to take care of the planet, and reach our highest potential as human beings before passing into the next phase of life. Everything happens for a reason and everything I’ve ever experienced was meant to be this way. Even when we try to change it, it’s not that we’re fighting fate. I think we’re meant to fight because all the events leading up to this feeling created your emotions to react this way. It’s kind of like how I always envisioned myself getting married in my 20s but if that had happened, I might not have been able to experience all the wonderful things I got to do in my 30s. Jeff and Wendy still had unfinished business to fulfill in this life that caused them to be able to avoid that crash the way that they did and it blows my mind how easily we are reminded every day that life is short, precious and not to be taken for granted. You can read about the crash here and what Jeff wrote that fateful night here. Warning: it WILL give you chills and goosebumps. Don’t drink, get high or text and drive. Like Jeff says, “When you’re driving, just drive.”

I would love to talk about all the other amazing topics that Will and Phil covered but the part that got me all teary-eyed was when Will revealed a most personal and private experience. He stated that during the filming of “H-E-Double Hockey Sticks,” he experienced what he now knows was an anxiety attack. He said that he got on medication for it and that was why he gained weight during Boy Meets World. My heart dropped when he told this story. It hurt me to know he was suffering through these attacks while we were obliviously hanging back enjoying watching him on BMW. I don’t know if I can ever watch those later BMW seasons in the same way. I feel guilty now about all those times I was laughing my ass off at his performance knowing that underneath the facade, he was enduring this medical disorder and just putting on a brave face for us.

I know, I know, he’s not the first celebrity to persevere through something like this and he won’t be the last. In fact, another celebrity I love went through the same exact thing: Jonathan Knight. Yes, I am a bonafide New Kids On The Block fan and I heard all about Jon’s panic attacks, consequently leading him to quit the boy band back in 1994. He talked a little bit about it on Oprah back in 2001…

As you can see, it was heartbreaking to watch Jon physically struggling to get through the show. I never went to any concerts back then but I can’t imagine what it must have felt like spending 5 years performing in front of thousands of people while having this debilitating feeling inside. On the second clip, they briefly mentioned about the attacks feeling like you’re being judged by everyone because your physical state is unknown to everyone watching you and wondering why you’re acting this way. Jordan also talked about having performance anxiety and a light went on in my head. I did a little internet digging and found that performance anxiety was commonly known as stage fright, which is what I feel right before the moment I’m supposed to step out onstage in front of a live audience every time. However, I dismissed it because I thought everyone goes through this but now that I think about it, my fellow cast mates never did look as nervous as I did.

Back in March, my comedy troupe, Granny Cart Gangstas, did a live sketch comedy show and I was in 6 out of the 18 live skits we were doing which was one of the heaviest loads out of the entire troupe. In one of the pieces, it was just me and a mic and since I was alone out there, it made me the most nervous. Albeit, I was discussing my favorite subject of all, Will Friedle, it didn’t make me any less vomity or shaky but I had to put on my game face. I’m not sure if my nervousness came through in my performances. During all the rehearsals, I was fine but when it came to hell week, if we had even just one person in the audience, I freaked. My mind became blocked, my lines got lost and my body began to shake. I would get drymouth and would have to rush to the green room to grab water so that I could speak. In the first few times we did the show, I literally had to down some alcohol right before I went on in order to calm myself. Yes, it is unprofessional but it wasn’t the way I WANTED to go out there, it was the only way I COULD. Nothing heavy, I wasn’t downing Hennessy or anything, just a few sips of Moscato. It gave me a slight numbing feeling and that actually really helped. I eventually got comfortable enough to the point where I didn’t have to drink before I went on but it’s always that first show when I didn’t know how the audience would receive me that made me want to vomit and bail.

Hearing Will talk about the extreme attacks he went through made me feel like my suffering was minuscule & trivial compared to his. Environmental stress is a trigger for these types of attacks. For me, my self-esteem and self-confidence gets affected and thoughts of how others may be negatively judging me will run through my mind and make me feel like running away and canceling. The only thing I can kind of compare it to is that feeling you get when you’re at the top of the first climb on a roller coaster and you are half a second away from the drop and there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s a saying that goes, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” True that it may be, my mind will still create other people’s thoughts for me and about me and that is what affects me. Even though I was crazy happy with the words coming out of my mouth and I knew people will love it, a part of me created mental doubts and it consumed me and I had no idea this was not normal.

There are millions of people in the world who suffer from anxiety disorders and some don’t even recognize what they have. Seeing Will go through it and coming out of it on top showed others who suffered from similar disorders that they can get through it. There is a role model you can look up to and follow by example. Will also mentioned that when he finally decided to come back to onscreen acting through Girl Meets World, the audience gave him a standing ovation and it made him realize that he CAN do this. I’m so happy to have been a part of that standing ovation. I still remember that moment after his introduction when he came out from backstage and we erupted. We completely lost it. Ironically, he was creating panic attacks throughout the whole audience and I bet he had no idea. I thought some people were going to faint. When they were about to start, it would have been useful to have a sign.

Lol! Good times. Anyway, I’m really happy to see Will thriving like this and he gets to see all the wonderful reactions from his fans about the work he is doing now that he’s on social media. We should all treasure these days. I don’t think he will be on social media forever so I say make the most of it while he’s here. To see him face the one fear he had that kept him from doing what he loved revealed that he is imperfect just like the rest of us but that he is also resilient, setting an example for all of us. And by the way, this man supports charitable causes like Ugh! I take it back. He’s perfect. Will’s actions bring forth his strength, courage, perseverance and heroism. I’ll always love you, Will.

Positive Energy

They say that once you begin to view life differently, you begin to act differently. If you view life positively, then positive things will happen to you. I can truly attest to this way of living. I used to be so pessimistic about everything. I didn’t have any faith in anything I did (sometimes, this still applies) and I criticized all parts of my life. One day, I decided that life is too short to be miserable. It’s such a gift & I was wasting it away with a frown on my face. So I walked out the door with my head held high, a smile on my face and a mantra: “Life is comedy. live out loud!”

That’s when positive things started to occur. I began meeting people I’ve always wanted to meet, my creativity levels began to rise, and my ambition in life multiplied tenfold. Things that I wanted to happen to me actually to me! Examples included being asked to do sketch comedy, invited to make decisions of what scripts to put on for a theater, meeting someone amazing who sees my true beauty (regardless of my weight, lol), finding the inspiration that transpires ideas, and so on. I’m living through experiences of a lifetime and I couldn’t be happier. Of course there are parts of my life that I am not deeply satisfied with but I choose to focus on what makes me happy. The negativity in my life will never be powerful enough to overcome the positivity that overflows and I’m just so juiced to continue to expand this way of life.

Sigh…I just wanted to share my state of elation right now. I’m not even sure things can get better than this…but if I keep thinking this, then it will. I think everyone should start thinking positively & believing in themselves. It is a contagious attitude that I have embraced willingly & lovingly.

Making Plans

People move all the time. I certainly did. In the last 5 years, I moved 4 times. I’m sure that’s probably not even a big deal to some. For me though, it was traumatic. For someone who has lived in the same place for 26 years and have gotten used to the life she was living for so long, it’s difficult to change your world and have to restart all over again. Luckily, after all the moves I’ve been doing in the last few years, I’ve become accustomed to moving to the point where it really isn’t that big of a deal anymore.

I started reading “The Happiness Project” yesterday and it gave me the extra “UMMPH” I needed to make the harrowing decision that has been on my mind a lot lately.

I want to move to Southern California.

In the Fall season of 2012, my plan is to be living in Southern California & attending CSU Northridge to get my MFA in Screenwriting. I’m sure I probably don’t really need the degree but I really want it in my background. Then again, maybe I should just jump right in and start writing. That’s another conversation to debate over in another time & post.

Right now, I just need to take steps to make this move a successful one so I decided to outline how I’m going to do this. This is my plan so far:

1) Lose weight. Skinny people make more money & that’s a fact.
2) Sell or give away everything in my storage space. This will save me $115 per month.
3) Find 3 people to write me a letter of recommendation. This is a requirement to get into the MFA program at CSUN.
4) Save money. I’ll be needing some cushion money.
5) Accumulate vacation time next year. I’ll be taking it all at once.
6) Find a job…or two. I really don’t mind working 2 part time jobs as long as it’s not a regular 9 – 5 position. I probably won’t get paid as high as I do now but I choose happiness over fortune, always.(I know this conflicts with #1 but I don’t wanna be fat AND homeless, sheesh!)
7) Move & be happier.

I’m already a pretty happy person so that’s my plan towards my pursuit of happierness. I don’t know how successful I will be but I’m putting faith in myself that I can do this, that I WILL do this. It’s scary but in life, you have to take risks, right? So many people around me say they are not happy with their life but they don’t do anything about it or they feel they cannot do anything about it. I disagree. We all deserve to smile. Changes can be scary but you’d never know if it was worth it unless you make it.

It Begins with 7 lbs.

Diet, schmiet. Really sad today because I gained back all the weight I lost from the cruise & post cruise. Yep, all 7 lbs. Doesn’t sound like alot but think of it, 5 lbs. is a medium bag of rice. add on the weight of 1/2 of a big 2 liter bottle of soda and there you have it-7 lbs. It all started with the back pain. I got used to lying around, doing nothing and just eating.
Ugh, I’m so fuckin’ disappointed with myself. And it doesn’t help that I chose to take on a new side business that requires almost no activity on my part besides my hands. I can already see myself 30 years from now, hunched over on a desk, wearing thick glasses, white hair, layer upon layers of sweaters, a “Kiss the Chef” apron with large pockets filled with pliers & thread, and orthopedic shoes that are snug on my weary feet. I’m surrounded by jewelry hanging on hooks all over the walls and multiple pieces lying on tables around me, a single 1990s lamp on my desk, shining on my current masterpiece, and dirty windows with frosted glass that are painted shut except for one, which I open every time I have to use any glue so that I don’t inhale the fumes.
As if I would really want to prolong my life at that point. I would need to look at the bigger picture. What would I have accomplished? Am I married? Do I have children? Do I own the house I’m working in? Did I ever get the samoyed I always wanted? Am I still into music? Did I ever learn how to drive a stickshift car? What happened to my deteriorating knees? Am I still able to drive or do I need a taxi every time? Did I ever meet my beloved Will Friedle? Are WE married to each other? Hey, I had to throw that in there.
So many questions, I could go on. And it all began with 7 lbs. Why did I just think of Will Smith right now? I never even saw that movie…it’s time to make changes.

History vs. Herstory

Everyone needs an outlet, a vent, some form of place for us to be free to say what we want to say when society, friends or family restrict us from releasing our wrath. I’ve decided to take this recent camera event and let it inspire me to write a piece for the PMSTA look book. I don’t know what will come out of me once I begin to write but hopefully, it will be the closure I need to move on and let go of this calamity.

I used to watch episodes of Law & Order: SVU and wonder how I would handle such situations of despair, violence, and emotional turmoil. I’ve been bombarding my soul with Will Friedle youtube videos just to find a smile. I really love that guy. I think I need to take some time to step back & reflect, get some perspective and regurgitate whatever comes to mind. Hopefully, it will be something decent & worthy of publishing.

Inspired To Be

As I was having a conversation last night with an old college friend, I pitched him an idea I had for a website and he told me he thought it was a great idea. He even joked around about “borrowing” the idea himself and appearing on Oprah next year. I’ve actually had this idea for a very long time but I never actually thought about pursuing it to fruition.

Today, I think I will actually begin to try and make it happen. I have a dream to live a happy life where I don’t have to to worry about money and I am hoping that this idea could take me there. I am inspired by the famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt–“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.” It’s one reason why I do not like to participate in discussing the good or bad habits/characteristics/actions of others. I’d rather talk about creative ideas that will advance my life forward rather than talking about others, making me a “shit talker”. How is THAT going to do me any good? How is that going to move me forward? How is that going to benefit me? It certainly won’t.

I need to write out my ideas for my website. I love the organic process on the growth of new ideas. So many possibilities. The idea of pulling together what I love to do and making it my life is the most appealing life I’d love to have. I just want to be proud of my work and proud of how I’m choosing to live my life.

A professor of mine once taught me that the wealthiest life you can live is measured not by how much money you have, but by the quality of the relationships surrounding you. He is very right about that. Thanks Professor B. You inspire me to be a higher me.